In the Dead of Night…¹

Take a look at your fear.... One day, as it was nearing nightfall, there was nothing else for it.... If I tried to reason with myself I'd never go, so I grabbed a pa-kow and just went.

''If it's time for it to die then let it die. If my mind is going to be so stubborn and stupid then let it die''... that's how I thought to myself. Actually in my heart I didn't really want to go but I forced myself to. When it comes to things like this, if you wait till everything's just right you'll end up never going. When would you ever train yourself? So I just went.

I'd never stayed in a charnel ground before. When I got there, words can't describe the way I felt. The pa-kow wanted to camp right next to me but I wouldn't have it. I made him stay far away. Really I wanted him to stay close to keep me company but I wouldn't have it. I made him move away, otherwise I'd have counted on him for support.

''If it's going to be so afraid then let it die tonight.''

I was afraid, but I dared. It's not that I wasn't afraid, but I had courage. In the end you have to die anyway.

Well, just as it was getting dark I had my chance, in they came carrying a corpse. Just my luck! I couldn't even feel my feet touch the ground, I wanted to get out of there so badly. They wanted me to do some funeral chants but I wouldn't get involved, I just walked away. In a few minutes, after they'd gone, I just walked back and found that they had buried the corpse right next to my spot, making the bamboo used for carrying it into a bed for me to stay on.

So now what was I to do? It's not that the village was nearby, either, a good two or three kilometers away.

''Well, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die''... If you've never dared to do it you'll never know what it's like. It's really an experience.

As it got darker and darker I wondered where there was to run to in the middle of that charnel ground.

''Oh, let it die. One is born to this life only to die, anyway.''

As soon as the sun sank the night told me to get inside my glot². I didn't want to do any walking meditation, I only wanted to get into my net. Whenever I tried to walk towards the grave it was as if something was pulling me back from behind, to stop me from walking. It was as if my feelings of fear and courage were having a tug-of-war with me. But I did it. This is the way you must train yourself.

When it was dark I got into my mosquito net. It felt as if I had a seven-tiered wall all around me. Seeing my trusty alms bowl there beside me was like seeing an old friend. Even a bowl can be a friend sometimes! Its presence beside me was comforting. I had a bowl for a friend at least.

I sat in my net watching over the body all night. I didn't lie down or even doze off, I just sat quietly. I couldn't be sleepy even if I wanted to, I was so scared. Yes, I was scared, and yet I did it. I sat through the night.

Footnotes

...¹

Given on a lunar observance night (uposatha), at Wat Pah Pong, in the late 1960s

...glot²

Glot - the Thai forest-dwelling monks' large umbrella from which, suspended from a tree, they hang a mosquito net in which to stay while in the forest.

... time³

The body on the first night had been that of a child.

...viūhi⁴

The last line of the traditional Pāli lines listing the qualities of the Dhamma.

... ordination⁵

Mahānikai and Dhammayuttika are the two sects of the Theravāda Sangha in Thailand.

... handle⁶

A Thai expression meaning, ''Don't overdo it.''

...dhutanga⁷

Thirteen practices allowed by the Buddha over and above the general disciplinary code, for those who wish to practice more ascetically.

... sankhārā....''⁸

Part of a Pāli verse, traditionally recited at funeral ceremonies. The meaning of the full verse if, ''Alas, transient are all compounded things / Having arisen, they cease / Being born, they die / The cessation of all compounding is true happiness.''