In the Dead of Night…¹

It must have been about half-an-hour later, I think, when the footsteps started coming back from the direction of the pa-kow. Just like a person! It came right up to me, this time, heading for me as if to run me over! I closed my eyes and refused to open them.

''I'll die with my eyes closed.''

It got closer and closer until it stopped dead in front of me and just stood stock still. I felt as if it were waving burnt hands back and forth in front of my closed eyes. Oh! This was really it! I threw out everything, forgot all about Buddho, Dhammo and Sangho. I forgot everything else, there was only the fear in me, stacked in full to the brim. My thoughts couldn't go anywhere else, there was only fear. From the day I was born I had never experienced such fear. Buddho and Dhammo had disappeared, I don't know where. There was only fear welling up inside my chest until it felt like a tightly-stretched drumskin.

''Well, I'll just leave it as it is, there's nothing else to do.''

I sat as if I wasn't even touching the ground and simply noted what was going on. The fear was so great that it filled me, like a jar completely filled with water. If you pour water until the jar is completely full, and then pour some more, the jar will overflow. Likewise, the fear built up so much within me that it reached its peak and began to overflow.

''What am I so afraid of anyway?'' a voice inside me asked.

''I'm afraid of death,'' another voice answered.

''Well, then, where is this thing 'death'? Why all the panic? Look where death abides. Where is death?''

''Why, death is within me!''

''If death is within you, then where are you going to run to escape it? If you run away you die, if you stay here you die. Wherever you go it goes with you because death lies within you, there's nowhere you can run to. Whether you are afraid or not you die just the same, there's nowhere to escape death.''

As soon as I had thought this, my perception seemed to change right around. All the fear completely disappeared as easily as turning over one's own hand. It was truly amazing. So much fear and yet it could disappear just like that! Non-fear arose in its place. Now my mind rose higher and higher until I felt as if I was in the clouds.

As soon as I had conquered the fear, rain began to fall. I don't know what sort of rain it was, the wind was so strong. But I wasn't afraid of dying now. I wasn't afraid that the branches of the trees might come crashing down on me. I paid it no mind. The rain thundered down like a hot-season torrent, really heavy. By the time the rain had stopped everything was soaking wet.

I sat unmoving.

So what did I do next, soaking wet as I was? I cried! The tears flowed down my cheeks. I cried as I thought to myself,

''Why am I sitting here like some sort of orphan or abandoned child, sitting, soaking in the rain like a man who owns nothing, like an exile?''

And then I thought further, ''All those people sitting comfortably in their homes right now probably don't even suspect that there is a monk sitting, soaking in the rain all night like this. What's the point of it all?'' Thinking like this I began to feel so thoroughly sorry for myself that the tears came gushing out.

''They're not good things anyway, these tears, let them flow right on out until they're all gone.''

This was how I practiced.

Now I don't know how I can describe the things that followed. I sat... sat and listened. After conquering my feelings I just sat and watched as all manner of things arose in me, so many things that were possible to know but impossible to describe. And I thought of the Buddha's words... paccattam veditabbo viññūhi⁴ - ''the wise will know for themselves.''

Footnotes

...¹

Given on a lunar observance night (uposatha), at Wat Pah Pong, in the late 1960s

...glot²

Glot - the Thai forest-dwelling monks' large umbrella from which, suspended from a tree, they hang a mosquito net in which to stay while in the forest.

... time³

The body on the first night had been that of a child.

...viūhi⁴

The last line of the traditional Pāli lines listing the qualities of the Dhamma.

... ordination⁵

Mahānikai and Dhammayuttika are the two sects of the Theravāda Sangha in Thailand.

... handle⁶

A Thai expression meaning, ''Don't overdo it.''

...dhutanga⁷

Thirteen practices allowed by the Buddha over and above the general disciplinary code, for those who wish to practice more ascetically.

... sankhārā....''⁸

Part of a Pāli verse, traditionally recited at funeral ceremonies. The meaning of the full verse if, ''Alas, transient are all compounded things / Having arisen, they cease / Being born, they die / The cessation of all compounding is true happiness.''